Of Cats and Dogs

I have recently stumbled into an interesting and funny article by Mr Vittachi in his column Only In Asia in the Sun newspaper. It relates his experience when he was giving a speech to a group of kids in a school and touches upon the subject of cats and dogs. Here I reproduce the article in its entirety for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

Here's more proof that children are highly insighful creatures. I gave a speech at a primary school and asked if there were any questions.

"Are all dogs boys?" a small, sticky child asked.

"Yes," I replied. "All dogs are male. Including girl dogs."

The child looked smug. Clearly he had been arguing this point with someone. I went on to explain that all cats were girls, including male cats.

I could see that the teacher was looking puzzled. So, I explained what I meant with this story:

In the beginning, Adam and Eve felt lonely. So God told his angels to make a creature for them. "Make it medium-sized, with four legs and a tail", God said. "You can call it Pet."

The angels made the first pair of Pets. They were cute but they were also very playful. They ran around heaven, hid under the sofas and scratched the furniture. Then, they saw what looked like a pair of paddling pools. One jump into the blue one and the other jump into the red one. But they were not paddling pools. They were vats of Male Essence and Female Essence.

After the angel fished them out, they noticed the Pets had changed. One had become shaggy-haired, simple-minded and deep-voiced. And the other had become sleek and complicated and whiney.

"Oops," said the angel. We'd better classify these two as separate creatures." They called one Dog and the other Cat. This made perfect sense to the children. But later on, I had to explain to the teacher what I meant.

Proof that all dogs are male:

• Dogs, like men, are completely predictable.


• They are supremely interested in your nether regions and pathetically unable to hide this fact.


• They don't respond when you shout in their ear, but they can hear the sound of a packet containing something consumable being opened a kilometre away.


• If you once let them hog your sofa, they will feel like they own it.


• They eat anything. Their basic philosophy is put stuff in their mouths first, ask questions later.


• They are intensely loyal but sometimes stray to sheer stupidity.


• When they are not happy, they don't say anything, but sulk and growl and knock things over.


• They emit large amounts of gas from both ends.


• They often consume ill-advised items until they are sick, give you a sad "never again" look, and then do the same thing again the next day.

Proof that all dogs are female:

• They are completely unpredictable.


• They expect to be worshipped all the time.


• They look cute but are surprisingly tough-minded creatures who make all the decisions.


• You can call them, but you never know if they will actually turn up.


• They leave bits of their hair all over the place.


• They completely ignore you when you come home.


• They take the stance that you exist solely to ensure their happiness.

The teacher listened patiently, and then a rather guilty look appeared on her face. She pulled two sandwiches out of her bag.

"I chose your lunch for you in advance,"she said. "After all, women make the decisions, and men eat anything, right? Meow."

What else could I reply except "Woof."